On an alt account rn because people I know irl look at my forum posts sometimes, and I don't need them to see this.
I feel completely drained. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've hardly slept or eaten for 4 days now. I love her more than I ever thought I could love someone, and I’ve fought so hard to be there for her, to support her, and to prove that I’m the right person for her. But no matter how much I give, she’s still torn between me and her ex. It hurts more than anything to know that after everything, she still can't let him go. I’m being patient, I’m understanding of her situation, and I’ve made it clear to her that I truly love her, but it feels like I’m fighting a battle I can’t win. He manipulated, neglected, and abused her for years, but he comes and visits her for one weekend and suddenly all of that can be forgiven? She says that she loves me and that her head wants her to pick me, but her heart is still stuck to him. I won't pressure her into making a choice; I know it's as hard on her as it is on me, but I can't deny the deep pain that this makes me feel. This is the only woman that I have ever loved, wanted to marry, and start a family with. She says she wants the same with me, but her actions say differently.
And that’s what makes it hurt the most. I’ve done everything I can to prove my love, to show that I’ll be there for her always, and yet she still hesitates. It feels like she’s not fighting for me the way I’ve been fighting for her, and I don’t understand how, after everything, she can still be this conflicted. I would never put her through this kind of pain, yet here I am, being forced to sit in this uncertainty, feeling like I’m not enough for the one person who means everything to me. It would be one thing if she kept doing all of this without knowing how it pains me, but it's the fact that she tells me she loves me and wants to be with me forever, and then immediately turns her back and fucks her ex, then calls me crying, then fucks her ex again, then calls me crying again. It's just not healthy for any of us. She is hurting herself, and she is hurting me.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. If she still goes back to him after everything that we have been through together and everything that he has done to her, I don't think I can keep going. I will never give up on her, but I also can’t stand to keep putting myself through this pain. I need her to choose me fully, but I want it to be her own choice; I don't want to make that choice for her. If she won’t, then I really don’t know what’s left for me. I feel like if I lose her, I’ll just stop trying. Stop trying to be better, stop trying to fix my life, stop trying to get out of bed or eat, stop trying altogether. I'll just let myself slowly rot away in a little hole, locked away from the world.
Idk, I just need people to know about this, I can't keep holding this in my head forever. |